A Finite Man

       Hi all It's Bene. I don't have much to say today. Only that I miss Calef...

and yes. this is the first time admitting
























































also I have a new journal. It's a more casual and light-hearted kind of journal this time. I don't know if I'm ready to reveal it yet as I feel that I might begin to write for others instead of for my own sake. If you find it, congrats.

I TOTALY CUT MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!! And it's fabulous

So the way my hair was rounded and shakespearian looking was totalllllly bugging the HELL out of me after my Mom cut it. I was gonna wait until barber time tomorrow, but I was like "what the hell" so I totally took the scissors into the bathroom for an hour and a half  and meticulously cut it into shape, using my hands and 2 mirrors, to feel and see what I was doing. It is now absolutely amazing. I mean I'm so impressed with myself. So was Mom ^_^

Really it involved a deep understanding of my hair and my scalp by feeling it and running my fingers through my hair and a general idea, and BAMO it totally happened. I must say, doing something like that for yourself and actually making it look good is totally an intimate process that requires concentration, awareness, and patience as well as just being intimate (so to speak) with yourself and knowing yourself.

I'm so proud of myself. I should take pics. My hair hasn't been this short since middle school, and now I'm shorty McShort Hair and i'm absolutely awesome, i'm so proud. I won't let it get to my head i'm just so impressed with what I did and how good I actually look with short hair. I thought I'd be atrocious, but I proved myself wrong!!!!!!!

It's also layered, and kind of long at the top for spikes, but I can do so much, so many different kinds of styles and shapes with my spikes. I love versatility, seeing how fickle I can be for sure! I can have a little mohawk, or spike it to one side, or just lay it all flat, or have it spiked in general, or have it messy. It's totally go time for this dog. Here I come!!!

Enthusiastically, and of course with much love,
       BENE!!

title says it all. I'm starting to see that it can workout for me if styled correctly. I just can't wait unti lit grows back tho.

       There is insurmountable evidence that due to a number of factors, we are diving into a social era of unaffection. A word I made up myself to describe an age where people will no longer go outside to play or say hi to their neighbors and friends. Just from what we can see about future technology, overnight hangouts will slowly dwindle and become extinct, and those that do occur will result in merely the simultaneous staring of a screen, watching youtube videos, playing games, etc. The art of conversation is already dying. Soon the art of love will die as well. Technology is enough to bring about this age but there is also an increasing number of those with social phobia or avoidant personality disorder and other related phobias, and anxiety and personality disorders and anti-social behavior (not to mention depression and other related things). People are becoming more closed in, more individual. Soon the ability to function as a whole on a human level will be lost forever.
       I however will not stand to see this. I too have a case of social phobia, and I too am a slave to the screen; however since months ago I've started a slow and arduous personal campaign to overcome my social phobia and my internet addiction in order to become an example of affection, of compassion, of brotherhood. It's been hard, but I'm willing to put myself through this to at least make even a slight difference. America needs to learn how to go outside again. America needs to learn not to hesitate to offer their help and honest hospitality to their nieghbors again. America needs to say no to the screens, the games, the office buildings, the strict ethical codes of their surroundings, and break free to be together.
       People have predicted that computers will develope enough intelligence to be completely autonomous, and will rebel against humanity serving as a classic tale of technology being the downfall of man. I observe, however, that technology is already destroying us as humans and we need to act now. It will be hard but in the end we will have found geniune human affection. So put down your controllers, stop clacking on those keys and go out there and find someone and make a friend out of them, or find a neighbor "Howdy ho neighbor" and be brotherly again.

Best regards,
       -Bene

-impromptu short essay (if you can even call it that), but a genuine call to action.

( Credit where credit is due [EDIT] )

 God where to begin.

       Gosh, so much drama and all that. I'm not sure what I've learned, bc there was so much (from the drama that is) but  I can assure you I've come out a better person and a clearer definition of where I stand and what I want etc. Lol I know it sounds bad but it really isn't. I didn't explode into hate for my parents and I still do love them very much. In fact the drama has brought us closer. It's very painful to talk about. Nothing valuable in any sense, emotional, or monetarily, was lost, although I suffered from a depression the following few days after of which I climbed slowly but surely... and I surely have accelerated to a new pinnacle of happiness and existence today.

( Read more (Light ... from the cracks) )

      Another thing just recently, about 2 days ago, that helped me accelerate my life and bring about this new enthusiasm for life was the realization that, a lot of what I've been starting to believe myself and never written down here (at least I don't think I have) before, is actually scaringly very close to Buddhism and Shintoism. Now I'm not saying i'm a new believer/convert in that faith/philosophy, but I find it very stimulating and exciting to know that there is a group of like minded people, striving for the same simple goals as myself. I used to, starting months ago, start looking up quotes from the Dalai Lama. I found them inspiring and wise and I keot them close to me. Recently I've done it again, but sought more. I sought direct teaching. I only found a website selling DvDs of his teachings, but no free downloads or streaming files. I found an interview of the 14th ( i think it is) Dalai Lama with this female news anchor, and he's quite the joyous, and compassionate individual. Such compassion, joy, and giddiness and similar strive by all tibetin Buddhists to be compassionate and peaceful inspired me and gave me hope for myself, that what I am and belive and strive for is NOT invalid, but beautiful and I have gained hope for humanity as a whole. (I'm beginning to see how corny this all is but hear me out XD)

( Further Inspiration -vid- )

       And from there I have started watching numerous TED videos (youtube subscription: TEDtalksDirector) of which many are genius and inspiring and have a pure human core to it of which I admire. TED Talks are held once a year every year in Montery (as far as my understanding goes) where 1000 very intelligent and insightful individuals are given the chance to give the presentation or speech of a lifetime. To spread ideas that they think are worth spreading and being heard. An effort to better the world and bring it together.

From these I gather many valuable things I learn and hold dear to me.

I put this as public because I am hoping others too will be inspired like me or can share a similar passion, and see and strive for these things.

Also I just remembered what I was gonna write in my previous entry. It's about my shoes and the history of them and how they've seen me through a valuable and great era of my life, and the signifigance. Kind of like a eulogy as they pass away, bc frankly they're so old they need replacing BADLY but serve as a symbol of my continuance of my learning and my journey through my life and that signifigant era of my life.






 </div>

       Hey livejournal. Yup it's that time again. Time for another one of those deep, possibly emotional type 'a entries. Just some things I've been thinking about.

I'm not sure what order I should put them in so whatever here I go

       I was watching Ninja warrior for the first time in a while now since my computer was messing up. If it's not the computer, it's the TV I gravitate towards hehe. It wasn't the competition itself, some cover of the preliminary rounds and what not which I found interesting. As i watched I began to notice something. All the videos of the  guys and girls training and thier lives otuside of Ninja Warrior are not acted out, they're real captures of life even for a few seconds. I was noticing, and admiring the comradery of everyone that I was seeing. The students in the schools all worked together so perfectly, sat so close, seemed to buzz with energy and strength of not one, but many. It seems so friendly and open. Of course everyone has their social hierarchy and whatnot in every culture. I'm not saying it's perfect either, but I thought it was amazing, it's actually unexplainable what I saw and felt and understood. Maybe other people know what I mean, I am only hoping. But my point is that you never see that around here in the states, or your nieghborhood or your own schools, at least from what I've ever witnessed or experienced.

this was written in a course of a week because of interruptions, so i've forgotten what I was going to say, but the point is that we can learn from other cultures and that  I am going to make a more human effort myself to be like what I've described above and to maybe cultivate that in others.

I love learning about things like this :3

My other point was forgotten so whatever I'm a huge talker, probably more than I should be so yah. Be satisfied or else lol

much love,

   Bene

       Have you ever listened to a song and gone "That would be very appropriate to hear in a good movie!" or you could visualize it in some sort of inspirational or otherwise exciting film? I do sometimes. Sometimes I imagine that movie a movie of my life. I would do it. I've always, ever since my days where I was determined to be a game programmer (way young ago) I've always fantasized about making great movies. Maybe it's everyone's dream. Maybe it will forever be a dream. But I was just imagining making a movie of my life. It would be great, inspirational, and precious. I know I would never get the motivation or concentration ever to achieve such a feat but it's still nice to dream. I also have to keep in mind that life doesn't revolve around me. I wanna do 100 other things as well! Everyday I'm learning something new about my self, and if not learning something new, then reinforcing what I did learn, furthering my wonder of the world and myself.
       My greatest dream since I was a little sperm, was to be able to fly. It still is. Now with a better understanding of myself I can understand that it is a symbol of the freedom that I have always striven for. My second greatest aspiration was to learn and to continue learning and slowly master anything I could. Nothing could break that spirit of me, and again I still hold on to that very tightly. I surely hope that after this life I am reborn another person so that I could continue my learning and my understanding of the world and so that I may experience the future; however no one can be certain what happens after this life. It is this uncertainty that's been used as the soil to plant the seeds of religion and philosophy, but it is even impossible for them to be certain. I personally just hope to live a good and fulfilled life which, would be my 3rd greatest aspiration. Much time has passed and the dealer of life has dealt it's cards, and I played them how I did. The seed of much change have been buried in the soil of life, and it is my responsibility that I tend to that sapling so it may bloom into something most strong and beautiful.


Love,

       Bene Lupus

http://www.helloquizzy.com/results/the-great-minds-advice-test/?fromCGI=1&var_Franklin=15&var_Freud=5&var_Teresa=15&var_Wilde=10&var_Leonardo=15

I was hoping I'd get more freud *giggles*

But still. Yah I don't know what it means but the quiz was quite intreuging

(couldn't get the code to display it so you're gonna have to work to click the link)

http://i186.photobucket.com/albums/x6/ninja_kelly/Motivation%20or%20motivational%20posters/1220379203471.jpg


FRUKEN AWESOME!!!!

And boy do I wanna burn them so bad.

It's sooo embarassing!!

I can't believe I wrote those and let people read them >.<

Ah well.

       I've totally like noticed a change in me too. I'm definitely not as giddy and all over the place and like RAAAAAAAAAAWR anymore that's for sure. I'm way more controlled now. And probably depressed but whatever I don't bitch about it all the time anymore. Dang I couldn't even read my own writing because it was just all over the damn place! Lol figures that I opened my LJ during the most emo time of my life XD\

      I started missing some people whilst reading through my journals and stuff =\

      Oh and I'm glad to see that I was right about the new year (2008. Last year) Last year was pretty good and I definitely improved. There WAS some turmoil, and most of all I don't think any resolutions were broken. heeheehee. Hopefully this year is going to be one of the best and most memorable. If not oh well. I just want to have a good life and hopefully I stat figuring other things out and find what I want.


That's all folks

-Bene

UPDATES! 

ROOM CLEAN FINALLY!  (Like super clean!)

Lights up in my room! (But two strings aren't working right, oh noes!)


----------->  CHRISTMAS TREE ! <----------- and anticipating our two newest kittens: Mittens and Kalla to frollic about it like crazy

Also: ( Plans to move out by February )
ALSO! ( Decided not to be a loner anymore )
and last but not least I am no longer a wolf!

I am a dalmation-wolf mix, but mostly Dalmation. Long story short - I figured that Dalmation is more my personality and more my "vibe" but I didn't want to become "just a dog" or "just a dalmation" so in the name of uniqueness I became hybrid-like! hehe
Now I just have to rethink what I look like physically. I've been told I'm very puppy like also which apparently is really cute *shrugs* ^___^

ok, I'm tired and still kinda lonely =\

Hope all is well with everyone.

       Hugs and Licks
              -BENE! 

       Absolutely the best! It seems that the only time I ever engage in any kind of romantic relationship is during the cold seasons! I have no idea why but  I don't need that answered, it just gives myself some personality in my opinion! At any rate it looks very good that I have a special someone for me this winter and hopefully it'll last many winters after that. I met him through pounced. Strangely I've had plenty of suitors (or maybe it isn't so strange *shrugs*) but this one is just different we connected immediately. I'll save the gooey details. The only thing is that he lives in Colorado =\. We're not going to make it solid until we meet, which we see sometime in December. If we do well together, we're planning on spending Christmas together and new years ^^ it's going to be wonderful. I'm using this opportunity to try out some new things that I've learned from past relationships and just life in general.

     The even bigger news is that I wrote an email to my Mom basically to bring out the reality in things. I said, in short, that I'm tired of her living in denial, and I'm tired of living a lie, I am not "fixed" I am still (and always will be) this way (bisexual-attracted ta males) and I'm not going to fight it. I will continue to seek relationships and will not respond to any hate or emotional blackmail like last time. This time I'm not standing down. I also said that she needs to look past the fact that this is the end of her world for me and just Love me. Needless to say the next morning I was trembling in my boots when I saw her open her email first thing. I locked myself in my room to avoid her. To my utter surprise she came in and told me (in short) 'I will always love you no matter how you are and what you do with your life. I've just been reacting in fear for you (and other things). You ARE an adult and I should let you live how you want to live.' For a good 20 minutes I was trembling, not in fear anymore but in shock. But it made me feel so relieved, so easy. I don't know what happened but I guess I got through to her!! It's amazing! She has yet to bring it up with father, but I'm certain it will all be good news, for me at least.
       Now I want to know how they would take me having a boyfriend. I wonder how they would react or treat me or what they would think if I told them "I'm going to go visit my boyfriend now for a while" or "so and so (they know he's a mate) is coming over". *shrugs* I can only hope it isn't too hard. They always seem to be wanting to know what I'm doing so I'd have to tell the truth. Either way I'm happy ^_^ and needless to say so is my prospective mate.

       Although one of my main passions in life is music, I thought I'd take a break from it. I want to see if it indeed has had detrimental effects on me ever since I've been hooked to it at age 16 and a half. I'm going to X-out any music in my life, no listening actively, no headphones, no music except from my own mouth or talents by myself when I'm bored. I want to then compare my mental and emotional health during this period to what I normally feel loaded with music. I seem to be using music as a crutch to get me through things, and crutches are against my philosophy except for one's individual self. I seem to be resorting to music to pass the time. A type of "passive entertainment" or passtime to get me through, just like mind numbing television.

       At first I thought it was a mistake. I began having withdrawls from the getgo but I stuck it out so far until now. I'm still stick'n it out. I feel bored, unentertained, needing stimulous. I thought this was a mistake. Now I realize this is EXACTLY how I should feel. That void is that motivation to do something with myself other than just daze off to music! Eventually It will be that way for so long that I will HAVE to learn how to cope and do things with myself. Overall this hypothesis points out to a healthier outcome. I can only hope. i'm doing this for a whole week. I project myself not having such an attahment to music as a crutch and being able to emotionally support myself and communicate more clearly without obscure music. so far it looks good but we'll see. I love psychologoical experiments.

        So it seems that Naps are not my mortal enemy! After all these years, these long hard days forcing myself to be awake from my hatred of naps, I finally give it a try. It turns out, in studies, that it is more beneficial than NOT and I believe it! Better mood, more alert, appreciate life more, I'm just energetic me ^_^ and I love it. It was quite a nice sleep too and my constantly purring soft kitty at my side kept me warm. I used to equate naps with laziness, weakness and immaturity (childlike). My hatred arose from my dislike of naps as a child my parents would force me to take. I remember sneaking Jelly Beans from my dad's jar bc they made me sleep in their room for some reason so it was just sitting there and I ate them when they thought I was asleep, teehee =^_^=. I really don't know if I'll make a habit of it though, I felt so weird. I just don't want my parents to make a big deal out of it, specifically my Mom, she makes deals out of a lot of unnecessary things which just makes me avoid them and get stressed out.

        It also turns out, upon basically analyzing myself like usual, that I indeed do not HATE politics and hate participating; In fact I find it rather stimulating and good for the mind and the social me. That hate feeling came from 2 sources.

        1) Me being the way that I am (a realistic and forward thinker), I was basically noticing that politics today is corrupt which turned me off. I realize that politics is essential to societies, cultures, countries, communities, the world and is best not to be avoided; However I have more focused hatred for the fact that the majority of individuals in this country use it for their own little game. It is used for selfish personal agendas of themselves or their particular community they associate with. Politics is not done through the thought of others or the sake of the country for the most part as I have observed.

        2) My parents. Getting older I became more critical of things, more observant. I began to distinguish between opinions, facts, and people's ways of doing things and telling people things. More recently I have come to realize that my parents for as long as I can remember have been pushy in their beliefs. understandably they are strongly rooted and have a very strong faith in their ... faith .. and whatever else they believe in. My Dad is very patriotic, maybe not out loud, but internally he is a damn uber patriot. When voting time came 'round and  even before then when I could interpret political things, like ads, presidents, props, etc. he began talking about it with me. As I grew older I began developing my own opinions which were needless to say opposite of his. So now when we discuss things whenever I seem to have an opinion, even if it's just 10 words, he has 100 more words to spit at me why I am wrong and why he is right. He (they) tell me that they aren't pushing, but if that isn't pushing I don't know what is. Anyways I was turned off from talking about politics because my parents hypocritical habits which turned into hate for politics.

        Now with a more refined understanding of things I can healthily engage in political discussion and all that, but i'm still not voting. This is a defiant act against my father who seems to push in me through words, emotional blackmail, and other psychological means, that I absolutely have to vote. well ... no ... I don't and I'll show him.

       I can't wait to move to Oregon, I can't wait to get out of this house. I cannot talk about anything and they wonder why I am distant (although my Mom and I have a relatively healthy relationship now).

I have a philosophy that is, unlike Christianity (that has been turned into a political party and basically made to look like a quick and easy cure for all of life's problems, like a scam, like an advertisement), not culture specific, it is universal, and it is truth. It is Love, Empathy, Peace, Unity, Humility, and Wisdom. These are the 6 pillars of  which my philosophy stand, a solid foundation. it's still under construction but it is basically a simple philosophy to make the world a better place and to make living worthwile and peaceful.

     You know what REALLLY BITES??? I HAVE LIKE NO FRIENDS THAT LIVE NEAR ME!!

So like i'm always inside although i'm like uber social and me + strangers = certain death (sarcasm) so ya, because it's always such a hassle to arrange hanging out with someone, it's not like I can just drop by their house anytime (distance duh). And anyways clubs and sports restaurants are pretty much filled with cocky peeps and stuffs, like people I can't connect with. Unless it's a club filled with affection, shy, humble, loving, kinda people :p

I also want more friends on LJ.

And Mom's kicking me off teh interbutts so i'll yip latorz.

Tomorrow's Monday and I haven't done any homework =\

oh well i'll brb in 30 minutes x3

Love, 
       Bene

Dang I hate it when this happens! The wireless totally went retarded on me again. I swear when I get the money I'm just buying my own modem and pluging it in through my computer this is RIDCARULOUS =\ So tired of faulty wireless-ness.

So ok if you haven't figured out this far, my wireless internet isn't really working so I haven't been able ta chat and stuff =\   ... it's driving me nutters.

     So nothing much so far except that my friends have probably left already for college. Richard went to UC Davis (And I think Eric too I'm not sure) and Casey went to ... I want to say UC Santa Cruz but I'm hesitant (I'm also afraid I'll look stupid if UCSA doesn't even exist lol). Dam my memory.  Either way their all going to UCs, awesome for them! Didn't get to say goodbye but I'll call them and stuff so it's no bigee I guess. 
     A friend spent the night and I learned how to relax a little bit lol. I Realized that I forgot how to sit around and do nothing with a friend and how fun it was. The future's looking good :p 
     Installed the amazing game Assasin's Creed, totally worth it but wish I had a faster processor. In fact I really need to upgrade and debug and devirus the sucker it's totally dusty in there so to speak. I want a new V-card, probably Power supply to accomadate that and that's pretty much it. There's other things I'd like to do to it but that can wait.
     My room is a lot more clean, not how i want it, but closer, things looking good.
     Also discovered what a wonderfully inspirational and wise man the Dali Lama is.
     In general THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD BUT NOT ALL MY GOALS ARE MET JUST YET, JUST A COUPLE OF YARDS TO GO. 

     I also figured out a LOT of things stress can do to you, or maybe not a lot, but a few very interesting unprecedented things.
I mean i've figured out So many things about me in the last 3 weeks (good things) it's ridiculous and amazing.

Anyways I'm uber tired-like so i'll talk later whenever I can.

love, 
       Bene!

first off HELL YES!!!! FINALLY!!!

:p I love cold weather

Secondly) 
I see it more as a transitional period from Hot to Cold weather, but what a beautiful transitional period. I wish it lasted longer =\ There are so many beautiful art pieces or stories or comic moments that can be made in (based during) the autumn ^_^ Only if  I could draw =\

 Monday's aren't too terrible, but they could be better in that it could be a lot less of a shock to go back to school after 2 days of awesome rest and stuff. But oh well. I gots school in like 8 minutes gotta run soon. Just wanted to say that I'm doing very well and I hope that this descent up the mountain of joy will not suddenly halt.

GOD I'm so metaphor happy xD

Lol

Anyways, over the weekend I cleaned my room a little bit (significantly so that I'm much happier and less "closed in" feeling) but it STILL needs work. I'm hoping of totally clearing it out of anything I don't need and doing like UBER shampoo on the carpet, it's nasty, and also filtering all the hordes of dust  in my room. It will shine like the gold tooth of God! :D

So yah, that and I've FINALLY learned how to play World In Conflict Multiplayer, effectively! I now am usually at the top of the rank on the server YAY!! Cause I rock. .. and roll! Sweet Susie! 

Okies that's it gotta roll

Loving regards
       -Bene!!

 Hahaha I was SO ELATED to find this.

It's about the benefits of gaming

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26726230/ \

Personally, if I can add my two cents, I learned a LOT of my advanced vocabulary (and excellent spelling, to toot my own horn) from video games when I was in Grade school and so on. That and a lot of stuff I cannot fully explain, but I knew even then that it was definitely benefiting me. Finally someone put this out though I'm so glad!