A Finite Man

Just thinking.

2009-09-27T06:44:11Z

Hi all It's Bene. I don't have much to say today. Only that I miss Calef...

and yes. this is the first time admitting

also I have a new journal. It's a more casual and light-hearted kind of journal this time. I don't know if I'm ready to reveal it yet as I feel that I might begin to write for others instead of for my own sake. If you find it, congrats.

The answer my friend is in the wind

2009-06-26T19:35:08Z

A constant wondering of consciousness
this curiosity, fueled by the elusiveness of it all
but is it just me?
mine has always been a quest for understanding
something I have never understood since my birth
I look into the corridors of paintings and music
they seem to hold the answer
it is the flow I feel, but where does it take me?
The simplest of things like the concept of boredom
come to me so late it seems
what does it all mean
and where can I find
the feeling I get when
things are right?
it's as if it's in front of me this whole time
God's voice rumbling through the cosmos
I hear you! Yet nothing is right
it is but a vapour
how does one capture breeze?
The essence of nature
the essence of health
the essence that exists when everything is right
The answer my friend is in the wind
It is
The feeling you get when
Red Rabbits
Dig a pony
And when we're all just
Learning to fly
it is written in the wind
and on the tips of grass
and the holes in wood
and the horses hair
and the backs of goats
only I could understand
but if you understand as well
let us venture together
maybe we will find
The feeling you get when
Red Rabbits
Dig a pony
when we're all just
Learning to fly

(A raw (unedited) impromptu poem by Thomas Essary)

Hippie now becomes ... well an ANTI HIPPIE lolz

2009-04-01T07:13:25Z

I TOTALY CUT MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!! And it's fabulous

So the way my hair was rounded and shakespearian looking was totalllllly bugging the HELL out of me after my Mom cut it. I was gonna wait until barber time tomorrow, but I was like "what the hell" so I totally took the scissors into the bathroom for an hour and a half and meticulously cut it into shape, using my hands and 2 mirrors, to feel and see what I was doing. It is now absolutely amazing. I mean I'm so impressed with myself. So was Mom ^_^

Really it involved a deep understanding of my hair and my scalp by feeling it and running my fingers through my hair and a general idea, and BAMO it totally happened. I must say, doing something like that for yourself and actually making it look good is totally an intimate process that requires concentration, awareness, and patience as well as just being intimate (so to speak) with yourself and knowing yourself.

I'm so proud of myself. I should take pics. My hair hasn't been this short since middle school, and now I'm shorty McShort Hair and i'm absolutely awesome, i'm so proud. I won't let it get to my head i'm just so impressed with what I did and how good I actually look with short hair. I thought I'd be atrocious, but I proved myself wrong!!!!!!!

It's also layered, and kind of long at the top for spikes, but I can do so much, so many different kinds of styles and shapes with my spikes. I love versatility, seeing how fickle I can be for sure! I can have a little mohawk, or spike it to one side, or just lay it all flat, or have it spiked in general, or have it messy. It's totally go time for this dog. Here I come!!!

Enthusiastically, and of course with much love,
BENE!!

haircut not so bad

2009-03-27T07:22:51Z

title says it all. I'm starting to see that it can workout for me if styled correctly. I just can't wait unti lit grows back tho.

Something on my mind before I forget: The cause for lost affection

2009-03-06T07:06:41Z

       There is insurmountable evidence that due to a number of factors, we are diving into a social era of unaffection. A word I made up myself to describe an age where people will no longer go outside to play or say hi to their neighbors and friends. Just from what we can see about future technology, overnight hangouts will slowly dwindle and become extinct, and those that do occur will result in merely the simultaneous staring of a screen, watching youtube videos, playing games, etc. The art of conversation is already dying. Soon the art of love will die as well. Technology is enough to bring about this age but there is also an increasing number of those with social phobia or avoidant personality disorder and other related phobias, and anxiety and personality disorders and anti-social behavior (not to mention depression and other related things). People are becoming more closed in, more individual. Soon the ability to function as a whole on a human level will be lost forever.
       I however will not stand to see this. I too have a case of social phobia, and I too am a slave to the screen; however since months ago I've started a slow and arduous personal campaign to overcome my social phobia and my internet addiction in order to become an example of affection, of compassion, of brotherhood. It's been hard, but I'm willing to put myself through this to at least make even a slight difference. America needs to learn how to go outside again. America needs to learn not to hesitate to offer their help and honest hospitality to their nieghbors again. America needs to say no to the screens, the games, the office buildings, the strict ethical codes of their surroundings, and break free to be together.
       People have predicted that computers will develope enough intelligence to be completely autonomous, and will rebel against humanity serving as a classic tale of technology being the downfall of man. I observe, however, that technology is already destroying us as humans and we need to act now. It will be hard but in the end we will have found geniune human affection. So put down your controllers, stop clacking on those keys and go out there and find someone and make a friend out of them, or find a neighbor "Howdy ho neighbor" and be brotherly again.

Best regards,
       -Bene

-impromptu short essay (if you can even call it that), but a genuine call to action.

I must give credit, however, where credit is due. Anybody who knows me, even if for the smallest pie of time, knows of how much of an optimistic and alternate view - mind I have. It is in that spirit that I share the optimistic side to this technological age of the internet etc.

   I don't know how long this will be but I want to share that after seeing some things and thinking about it. The internet has also enabled this kind of generation of people (my generation, my peers and the ones after I) to become creators. Creators without the intention of monetary gain, but just to create and spread their creativity through music mixing, youtube, and above all: sharing their creations. I can't really go into depth but here is a video that can explain it all. Here is the optimistic side to the era of unaffaection

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Q25-S7jzgs [copy and paste into URL If it doesn't show up. Lol apologies for being a noob at this]

No room for words

2009-02-25T07:39:43Z

God where to begin.

       Gosh, so much drama and all that. I'm not sure what I've learned, bc there was so much (from the drama that is) but I can assure you I've come out a better person and a clearer definition of where I stand and what I want etc. Lol I know it sounds bad but it really isn't. I didn't explode into hate for my parents and I still do love them very much. In fact the drama has brought us closer. It's very painful to talk about. Nothing valuable in any sense, emotional, or monetarily, was lost, although I suffered from a depression the following few days after of which I climbed slowly but surely... and I surely have accelerated to a new pinnacle of happiness and existence today.

    One thing that helped was to finally pick out the truth amongst all the static in the world. Now, I don't know how it i with most parents, but with my parents (namely my Dad, but deadly as a duo), they seem to have devoted a huge chunk of their time for god knows how long, to coming up with an impenetrable argument and debate scheme/strategy that will make anyone on earth look like a know nothing idiot (argument for their beliefs and all that junk) Only now have I been able to crack this. No I did not win an argument; however I've come to the realization of what's stressed me out about my parents so much and caused so much confusion. That realization is that: Just because a person(s) provides an impenetrable defense that you yourself cannot seem to overcome or convince otherwise, does NOT make them ultimately right in a correct sense OR (most importantly) a moral sense. It seems that my parents have this irrational (or maybe not so) belief that, just because they know they can win, means they are right and everyone should look up to them, and if one doesn't, they are delusioned or are going to live a life much worse than theirs (at least this is the vibe that I get). I had to realize that this just isn't right or true. That I have a natural right to believe anything I want to believe as a human being on this earth on the same journey for thruth as everyone else. That it is not my responsibilty for their happiness if what I choose to do or believe makes them unhappy. They will have to look past my faults and see the beauty within me, and if they can't be so optimistic, they are creating their own hell.
       Things get so much easier when you can see through their carefully crafted perfect exterior into their cracks and faults. I would never attack these for my love for them keeps me from doing so; however I keep these in mind to remind myself never to let people the opportunity to narrate your life in any way ever again, especially when it comes to something so intimate as sexual orientation or spirituality, because they too are imperfect and looking for the light, for life, like we all are. All on a similar quest for happiness, peace, and clarity, whether we conciously know so or have ambitions for, or not..

      Another thing just recently, about 2 days ago, that helped me accelerate my life and bring about this new enthusiasm for life was the realization that, a lot of what I've been starting to believe myself and never written down here (at least I don't think I have) before, is actually scaringly very close to Buddhism and Shintoism. Now I'm not saying i'm a new believer/convert in that faith/philosophy, but I find it very stimulating and exciting to know that there is a group of like minded people, striving for the same simple goals as myself. I used to, starting months ago, start looking up quotes from the Dalai Lama. I found them inspiring and wise and I keot them close to me. Recently I've done it again, but sought more. I sought direct teaching. I only found a website selling DvDs of his teachings, but no free downloads or streaming files. I found an interview of the 14th ( i think it is) Dalai Lama with this female news anchor, and he's quite the joyous, and compassionate individual. Such compassion, joy, and giddiness and similar strive by all tibetin Buddhists to be compassionate and peaceful inspired me and gave me hope for myself, that what I am and belive and strive for is NOT invalid, but beautiful and I have gained hope for humanity as a whole. (I'm beginning to see how corny this all is but hear me out XD)

Also this video. It was truely inspiring. I can't say much, but just watch as her story unfolds. To Me, in the least, this is beautiful, and what she realizes, I feel, it is close to the heart of humanity and truth. After watching, it may come off like she's crazy, but whatever, I'm showing this off bc it was my inspiration. Call me over emotional or spiritual or too crazy, what the heck ever but ... just whatever watch it XD (also note, this is not a christian video, even though I mentioned the word 'spiritual'

LINK: copy+paste into html bar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyyjU8fzEYU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyyjU8fzEYU.

       And from there I have started watching numerous TED videos (youtube subscription: TEDtalksDirector) of which many are genius and inspiring and have a pure human core to it of which I admire. TED Talks are held once a year every year in Montery (as far as my understanding goes) where 1000 very intelligent and insightful individuals are given the chance to give the presentation or speech of a lifetime. To spread ideas that they think are worth spreading and being heard. An effort to better the world and bring it together.

From these I gather many valuable things I learn and hold dear to me.

I put this as public because I am hoping others too will be inspired like me or can share a similar passion, and see and strive for these things.

Also I just remembered what I was gonna write in my previous entry. It's about my shoes and the history of them and how they've seen me through a valuable and great era of my life, and the signifigance. Kind of like a eulogy as they pass away, bc frankly they're so old they need replacing BADLY but serve as a symbol of my continuance of my learning and my journey through my life and that signifigant era of my life.

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For a Better World

2009-02-21T22:41:27Z

       Hey livejournal. Yup it's that time again. Time for another one of those deep, possibly emotional type 'a entries. Just some things I've been thinking about.

I'm not sure what order I should put them in so whatever here I go

       I was watching Ninja warrior for the first time in a while now since my computer was messing up. If it's not the computer, it's the TV I gravitate towards hehe. It wasn't the competition itself, some cover of the preliminary rounds and what not which I found interesting. As i watched I began to notice something. All the videos of the guys and girls training and thier lives otuside of Ninja Warrior are not acted out, they're real captures of life even for a few seconds. I was noticing, and admiring the comradery of everyone that I was seeing. The students in the schools all worked together so perfectly, sat so close, seemed to buzz with energy and strength of not one, but many. It seems so friendly and open. Of course everyone has their social hierarchy and whatnot in every culture. I'm not saying it's perfect either, but I thought it was amazing, it's actually unexplainable what I saw and felt and understood. Maybe other people know what I mean, I am only hoping. But my point is that you never see that around here in the states, or your nieghborhood or your own schools, at least from what I've ever witnessed or experienced.

this was written in a course of a week because of interruptions, so i've forgotten what I was going to say, but the point is that we can learn from other cultures and that I am going to make a more human effort myself to be like what I've described above and to maybe cultivate that in others.

I love learning about things like this :3

My other point was forgotten so whatever I'm a huge talker, probably more than I should be so yah. Be satisfied or else lol

much love,

   Bene

Life as a movie

2009-02-10T21:02:36Z

       Have you ever listened to a song and gone "That would be very appropriate to hear in a good movie!" or you could visualize it in some sort of inspirational or otherwise exciting film? I do sometimes. Sometimes I imagine that movie a movie of my life. I would do it. I've always, ever since my days where I was determined to be a game programmer (way young ago) I've always fantasized about making great movies. Maybe it's everyone's dream. Maybe it will forever be a dream. But I was just imagining making a movie of my life. It would be great, inspirational, and precious. I know I would never get the motivation or concentration ever to achieve such a feat but it's still nice to dream. I also have to keep in mind that life doesn't revolve around me. I wanna do 100 other things as well! Everyday I'm learning something new about my self, and if not learning something new, then reinforcing what I did learn, furthering my wonder of the world and myself.
       My greatest dream since I was a little sperm, was to be able to fly. It still is. Now with a better understanding of myself I can understand that it is a symbol of the freedom that I have always striven for. My second greatest aspiration was to learn and to continue learning and slowly master anything I could. Nothing could break that spirit of me, and again I still hold on to that very tightly. I surely hope that after this life I am reborn another person so that I could continue my learning and my understanding of the world and so that I may experience the future; however no one can be certain what happens after this life. It is this uncertainty that's been used as the soil to plant the seeds of religion and philosophy, but it is even impossible for them to be certain. I personally just hope to live a good and fulfilled life which, would be my 3rd greatest aspiration. Much time has passed and the dealer of life has dealt it's cards, and I played them how I did. The seed of much change have been buried in the soil of life, and it is my responsibility that I tend to that sapling so it may bloom into something most strong and beautiful.

Love,

       Bene Lupus

Rawr. Sumfin I deed

2009-01-16T02:45:41Z

http://www.helloquizzy.com/results/the-great-minds-advice-test/?fromCGI=1&var_Franklin=15&var_Freud=5&var_Teresa=15&var_Wilde=10&var_Leonardo=15

I was hoping I'd get more freud *giggles*

But still. Yah I don't know what it means but the quiz was quite intreuging

(couldn't get the code to display it so you're gonna have to work to click the link)

benelupus @ 2009-01-14T00:24:00

2009-01-14T08:25:58Z

http://i186.photobucket.com/albums/x6/ninja_kelly/Motivation%20or%20motivational%20posters/1220379203471.jpg

FRUKEN AWESOME!!!!

Goin' Through my old journals ...

2009-01-14T05:08:41Z

And boy do I wanna burn them so bad.

It's sooo embarassing!!

I can't believe I wrote those and let people read them >.<

Ah well.

       I've totally like noticed a change in me too. I'm definitely not as giddy and all over the place and like RAAAAAAAAAAWR anymore that's for sure. I'm way more controlled now. And probably depressed but whatever I don't bitch about it all the time anymore. Dang I couldn't even read my own writing because it was just all over the damn place! Lol figures that I opened my LJ during the most emo time of my life XD\

      I started missing some people whilst reading through my journals and stuff =\

      Oh and I'm glad to see that I was right about the new year (2008. Last year) Last year was pretty good and I definitely improved. There WAS some turmoil, and most of all I don't think any resolutions were broken. heeheehee. Hopefully this year is going to be one of the best and most memorable. If not oh well. I just want to have a good life and hopefully I stat figuring other things out and find what I want.

That's all folks

-Bene

Life is life and updates about life are also life ...

2008-12-16T11:08:58Z

UPDATES!

ROOM CLEAN FINALLY! (Like super clean!)

Lights up in my room! (But two strings aren't working right, oh noes!)

-----------> CHRISTMAS TREE ! <----------- and anticipating our two newest kittens: Mittens and Kalla to frollic about it like crazy

Also: That's right you read that right =p. I really think it would benefit my work academically if I moved out. I mean for one the house is a mess and it never has not been a mess and I have been learning just how much more sensitive and how much more distractable I REALLY AM! If I had my own place it would be easier to keep my own place clean and non distractable as I would feel responsible and be enthusiastic about cleaning it.
       SECOND: Apparently there's been a lot more built up stress than I knew about until recently as well. I've always had a tough time coping or adjusting or adapting well to stress and emotion. I read something about just that too! It said that unhealthy adjustment habits (as well as just regular built up chronic stress) can cause problems like misconduct or not meeting potential in school. I always have had a TOUGH ass time in school. Basically I would fail anything that isn't easy ever since like 6th grade!!. And this stress is coming from home: from the mess, from the people, from myself and my adapting and inability to really trust the people in the house and relax.
       I've been to people's houses before which were clean and away from home and I felt just so at home and I think to myself (thinking back to a specific time a while ago) that if I had some homework to do I would totally feel comfortable doing it here, seriously! So anyways ... even if this isn't the resolve to my academic inability then at least I will be away from home. Something I feel like I've needed to do for a long time!. I mean I see no reason NOT to. I have the means: I will by getting my GED in January, and a job thereafter. I have a friend who is also moving out that we're thinking about moving in together to help pay the rent. AND I have nothing to lose really! So seeing no real consequence that outweighs the benfits of me moving out by Feb. I'm thinking about just that. Mom is pretty much aware, too, that I plan on moving out soon and I've explained it to her. Her only gripe is that she doesn't want to let me go and also that she doesn't want me to go through hardships of maintaining a job and having a place of my own.
ALSO! I am going to make this short bc I've been typing away and I'm tired: I've decided to step out of my comfort zone in the hopes of finding what I've been wanting for a long time now: A secure network of friends. I have friends here and there but it's not really enough. I come out of my shell just once in a while and I hurry back in after it's all over for long periods of time. I realized I won't achieve my dream of having a small group of close and awesome friends who do everything together by just sitting here dreaming about it; so I've decided to get accustomed to being a nervous wreck for a while in order to do what I was born to do: To interact and have fun with other people, to socialize and be rampant and silly, to get out of my room and this house and have fun and do things! I was born a social creature and I deeply crave the structure of a tight group of friends or like a pack. I gotta say it's really hard for someone like me but in the end I think it'll be worth it. In fact I'm hoping of becoming so more social that I grow out of my social anxiety (although I will never be cured) and really become the person I want to be. ^_^. So wish me luck! And no I do NOT have parkenzes (sp), I'm just really really nervous .... o.o;
and last but not least I am no longer a wolf!

I am a dalmation-wolf mix, but mostly Dalmation. Long story short - I figured that Dalmation is more my personality and more my "vibe" but I didn't want to become "just a dog" or "just a dalmation" so in the name of uniqueness I became hybrid-like! hehe
Now I just have to rethink what I look like physically. I've been told I'm very puppy like also which apparently is really cute *shrugs* ^___^

ok, I'm tired and still kinda lonely =\

Hope all is well with everyone.

       Hugs and Licks
              -BENE!

Winter Romance!

2008-11-10T06:27:58Z

       Absolutely the best! It seems that the only time I ever engage in any kind of romantic relationship is during the cold seasons! I have no idea why but I don't need that answered, it just gives myself some personality in my opinion! At any rate it looks very good that I have a special someone for me this winter and hopefully it'll last many winters after that. I met him through pounced. Strangely I've had plenty of suitors (or maybe it isn't so strange *shrugs*) but this one is just different we connected immediately. I'll save the gooey details. The only thing is that he lives in Colorado =\. We're not going to make it solid until we meet, which we see sometime in December. If we do well together, we're planning on spending Christmas together and new years ^^ it's going to be wonderful. I'm using this opportunity to try out some new things that I've learned from past relationships and just life in general.

     The even bigger news is that I wrote an email to my Mom basically to bring out the reality in things. I said, in short, that I'm tired of her living in denial, and I'm tired of living a lie, I am not "fixed" I am still (and always will be) this way (bisexual-attracted ta males) and I'm not going to fight it. I will continue to seek relationships and will not respond to any hate or emotional blackmail like last time. This time I'm not standing down. I also said that she needs to look past the fact that this is the end of her world for me and just Love me. Needless to say the next morning I was trembling in my boots when I saw her open her email first thing. I locked myself in my room to avoid her. To my utter surprise she came in and told me (in short) 'I will always love you no matter how you are and what you do with your life. I've just been reacting in fear for you (and other things). You ARE an adult and I should let you live how you want to live.' For a good 20 minutes I was trembling, not in fear anymore but in shock. But it made me feel so relieved, so easy. I don't know what happened but I guess I got through to her!! It's amazing! She has yet to bring it up with father, but I'm certain it will all be good news, for me at least.
       Now I want to know how they would take me having a boyfriend. I wonder how they would react or treat me or what they would think if I told them "I'm going to go visit my boyfriend now for a while" or "so and so (they know he's a mate) is coming over". *shrugs* I can only hope it isn't too hard. They always seem to be wanting to know what I'm doing so I'd have to tell the truth. Either way I'm happy ^_^ and needless to say so is my prospective mate.

Another Experiment in hopes of creating a healthy state of mind

2008-11-06T03:51:16Z

Although one of my main passions in life is music, I thought I'd take a break from it. I want to see if it indeed has had detrimental effects on me ever since I've been hooked to it at age 16 and a half. I'm going to X-out any music in my life, no listening actively, no headphones, no music except from my own mouth or talents by myself when I'm bored. I want to then compare my mental and emotional health during this period to what I normally feel loaded with music. I seem to be using music as a crutch to get me through things, and crutches are against my philosophy except for one's individual self. I seem to be resorting to music to pass the time. A type of "passive entertainment" or passtime to get me through, just like mind numbing television.

At first I thought it was a mistake. I began having withdrawls from the getgo but I stuck it out so far until now. I'm still stick'n it out. I feel bored, unentertained, needing stimulous. I thought this was a mistake. Now I realize this is EXACTLY how I should feel. That void is that motivation to do something with myself other than just daze off to music! Eventually It will be that way for so long that I will HAVE to learn how to cope and do things with myself. Overall this hypothesis points out to a healthier outcome. I can only hope. i'm doing this for a whole week. I project myself not having such an attahment to music as a crutch and being able to emotionally support myself and communicate more clearly without obscure music. so far it looks good but we'll see. I love psychologoical experiments.

Psychoanalysis!

2008-11-05T02:14:31Z

        So it seems that Naps are not my mortal enemy! After all these years, these long hard days forcing myself to be awake from my hatred of naps, I finally give it a try. It turns out, in studies, that it is more beneficial than NOT and I believe it! Better mood, more alert, appreciate life more, I'm just energetic me ^_^ and I love it. It was quite a nice sleep too and my constantly purring soft kitty at my side kept me warm. I used to equate naps with laziness, weakness and immaturity (childlike). My hatred arose from my dislike of naps as a child my parents would force me to take. I remember sneaking Jelly Beans from my dad's jar bc they made me sleep in their room for some reason so it was just sitting there and I ate them when they thought I was asleep, teehee =^_^=. I really don't know if I'll make a habit of it though, I felt so weird. I just don't want my parents to make a big deal out of it, specifically my Mom, she makes deals out of a lot of unnecessary things which just makes me avoid them and get stressed out.

        It also turns out, upon basically analyzing myself like usual, that I indeed do not HATE politics and hate participating; In fact I find it rather stimulating and good for the mind and the social me. That hate feeling came from 2 sources.

        1) Me being the way that I am (a realistic and forward thinker), I was basically noticing that politics today is corrupt which turned me off. I realize that politics is essential to societies, cultures, countries, communities, the world and is best not to be avoided; However I have more focused hatred for the fact that the majority of individuals in this country use it for their own little game. It is used for selfish personal agendas of themselves or their particular community they associate with. Politics is not done through the thought of others or the sake of the country for the most part as I have observed.

        2) My parents. Getting older I became more critical of things, more observant. I began to distinguish between opinions, facts, and people's ways of doing things and telling people things. More recently I have come to realize that my parents for as long as I can remember have been pushy in their beliefs. understandably they are strongly rooted and have a very strong faith in their ... faith .. and whatever else they believe in. My Dad is very patriotic, maybe not out loud, but internally he is a damn uber patriot. When voting time came 'round and even before then when I could interpret political things, like ads, presidents, props, etc. he began talking about it with me. As I grew older I began developing my own opinions which were needless to say opposite of his. So now when we discuss things whenever I seem to have an opinion, even if it's just 10 words, he has 100 more words to spit at me why I am wrong and why he is right. He (they) tell me that they aren't pushing, but if that isn't pushing I don't know what is. Anyways I was turned off from talking about politics because my parents hypocritical habits which turned into hate for politics.

        Now with a more refined understanding of things I can healthily engage in political discussion and all that, but i'm still not voting. This is a defiant act against my father who seems to push in me through words, emotional blackmail, and other psychological means, that I absolutely have to vote. well ... no ... I don't and I'll show him.

       I can't wait to move to Oregon, I can't wait to get out of this house. I cannot talk about anything and they wonder why I am distant (although my Mom and I have a relatively healthy relationship now).

I have a philosophy that is, unlike Christianity (that has been turned into a political party and basically made to look like a quick and easy cure for all of life's problems, like a scam, like an advertisement), not culture specific, it is universal, and it is truth. It is Love, Empathy, Peace, Unity, Humility, and Wisdom. These are the 6 pillars of which my philosophy stand, a solid foundation. it's still under construction but it is basically a simple philosophy to make the world a better place and to make living worthwile and peaceful.

Wanderings of teh mind

2008-09-29T03:33:50Z

You know what REALLLY BITES??? I HAVE LIKE NO FRIENDS THAT LIVE NEAR ME!!

So like i'm always inside although i'm like uber social and me + strangers = certain death (sarcasm) so ya, because it's always such a hassle to arrange hanging out with someone, it's not like I can just drop by their house anytime (distance duh). And anyways clubs and sports restaurants are pretty much filled with cocky peeps and stuffs, like people I can't connect with. Unless it's a club filled with affection, shy, humble, loving, kinda people :p

I also want more friends on LJ.

And Mom's kicking me off teh interbutts so i'll yip latorz.

Tomorrow's Monday and I haven't done any homework =\

oh well i'll brb in 30 minutes x3

Love,
Bene

NO INTERBUTTS!

2008-09-28T00:05:37Z

Dang I hate it when this happens! The wireless totally went retarded on me again. I swear when I get the money I'm just buying my own modem and pluging it in through my computer this is RIDCARULOUS =\ So tired of faulty wireless-ness.

So ok if you haven't figured out this far, my wireless internet isn't really working so I haven't been able ta chat and stuff =\   ... it's driving me nutters.

     So nothing much so far except that my friends have probably left already for college. Richard went to UC Davis (And I think Eric too I'm not sure) and Casey went to ... I want to say UC Santa Cruz but I'm hesitant (I'm also afraid I'll look stupid if UCSA doesn't even exist lol). Dam my memory.  Either way their all going to UCs, awesome for them! Didn't get to say goodbye but I'll call them and stuff so it's no bigee I guess.
     A friend spent the night and I learned how to relax a little bit lol. I Realized that I forgot how to sit around and do nothing with a friend and how fun it was. The future's looking good :p
     Installed the amazing game Assasin's Creed, totally worth it but wish I had a faster processor. In fact I really need to upgrade and debug and devirus the sucker it's totally dusty in there so to speak. I want a new V-card, probably Power supply to accomadate that and that's pretty much it. There's other things I'd like to do to it but that can wait.
     My room is a lot more clean, not how i want it, but closer, things looking good.
     Also discovered what a wonderfully inspirational and wise man the Dali Lama is.
     In general THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD BUT NOT ALL MY GOALS ARE MET JUST YET, JUST A COUPLE OF YARDS TO GO.

     I also figured out a LOT of things stress can do to you, or maybe not a lot, but a few very interesting unprecedented things.
I mean i've figured out So many things about me in the last 3 weeks (good things) it's ridiculous and amazing.

Anyways I'm uber tired-like so i'll talk later whenever I can.

love,
       Bene!

Writer's Block: Autumn Begins

2008-09-23T06:24:21Z

Autumn starts today! How do you personally sense the change in seasons? Is Autumn more of a season in itself, or a transition period?

View 500 Answers

first off HELL YES!!!! FINALLY!!!

:p I love cold weather

Secondly)
I see it more as a transitional period from Hot to Cold weather, but what a beautiful transitional period. I wish it lasted longer =\ There are so many beautiful art pieces or stories or comic moments that can be made in (based during) the autumn ^_^ Only if I could draw =\

Monday!

2008-09-22T15:49:37Z

Monday's aren't too terrible, but they could be better in that it could be a lot less of a shock to go back to school after 2 days of awesome rest and stuff. But oh well. I gots school in like 8 minutes gotta run soon. Just wanted to say that I'm doing very well and I hope that this descent up the mountain of joy will not suddenly halt.

GOD I'm so metaphor happy xD

Lol

Anyways, over the weekend I cleaned my room a little bit (significantly so that I'm much happier and less "closed in" feeling) but it STILL needs work. I'm hoping of totally clearing it out of anything I don't need and doing like UBER shampoo on the carpet, it's nasty, and also filtering all the hordes of dust in my room. It will shine like the gold tooth of God! :D

So yah, that and I've FINALLY learned how to play World In Conflict Multiplayer, effectively! I now am usually at the top of the rank on the server YAY!! Cause I rock. .. and roll! Sweet Susie!

Okies that's it gotta roll

Loving regards
-Bene!!

PWNING PWNS!!

2008-09-18T04:08:19Z

Hahaha I was SO ELATED to find this.

It's about the benefits of gaming

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26726230/ \

Personally, if I can add my two cents, I learned a LOT of my advanced vocabulary (and excellent spelling, to toot my own horn) from video games when I was in Grade school and so on. That and a lot of stuff I cannot fully explain, but I knew even then that it was definitely benefiting me. Finally someone put this out though I'm so glad!

Feministic Males

2008-09-18T01:39:08Z

THIS WAS MEANT FOR MY PHILOSOPHY ACCOUNT, NOT THIS ACCOUNT. BUT I GUESS IT'S UP FOR READS IF YOU'RE CURIOUS!

So as I believe, some males were either born, learned, or came to develope as more feminine than what is the norm of males in the current society. In fact this implies a kind of rare sensitivity and care and love in the man than what is normal, and essentially is a lot more healthy in some ways.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with this at all. I don't believe a person's self worth or value to be determined or detered by his level (or lack of) Masculinity. In fact I find it very beautiful to see that nearly feministic sensitivity in a guy. ( I myself am unusually sensitive and can occasionally feature feminine behaviors or give off a feminine or sensitive -vibe - so to speak.) It is also fact that, in most cases, the female would prefer more of a sensitive (sometimes feminine or shy) man who can still withhold his own (Clingy or guys that depend on others for sustainment or happiness tend to be a turn off though) . And through empirical and non-professional studies concluded that cocky is the ultimate cock-blocker.

Where I would see a problem though is, one who truly wishes he were a female (either consciously, or innately) and undergoes either surgery or intentional behavioral or style change to come as close to female as possible and considers or looks at oneself as a non-male. But of course I would still love someone like this, I would just be against the fact that that's not who they are.

The problem also lies with the men (and occasional women) who narrowly define a man and force them (in their minds) to be purely masculine and believe they (men) must accord to a set of predetermined standards that make a true man. In other words, the judging individuals.

A renewed philosophy. Sure to piss off or dissapoint a lot of people

2008-09-17T00:49:03Z

(But probably not the readers since most, if not all, are furs (who tend to have liberal views) But enough of that I hate American politics, especially labels like that.)

So if I haven't said anything about this recently, here it is:

I've quit Christianity. Left it in the dust. I do not want to assosiate with such people.

And this may sound like a lot of spiritual typical spiritual mumbo jumbo (judging by the cut titles) but it's not Christian or babbling on, it has a purpose and it's the Truth and I want to teach all about it as well as just basically outline what I now believe and live by.

         Not that they (the Christian community people) are bad but the religion itself is corrupt. Much like a lot of things that look good but turned out a pile of shit, like communism. I mean communism is great I'm all for it but like it was just a tool that was used the wrong way, and now it's infamous. Christianity is just that: infamous, and it is also. A religion now-a-days is just another thing on the market to sell to as many people as possible, in essence. The problem is that Christianity has been transformed from philosophy to a hobby, or title, and into a political party. Something to hold above people's heads to gloat that they're the right ones and everyone else is wrong. It's just a title, nothing more when it SHOULD be a philosophy. And anyways the typical Christian totally turns the teachings of Jesus around.
______________________

I won't get into a lengthy discussion or explanation of all this but I will give what I DO follow. I call myself a Jesus follower. I mean it's a title but I don't hold it above people's heads and I rarely say it, I speak through my actions for the most part. I've been a Jesus follower for like more than a month now but haven't said anything until now. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. But now I know.
     In my studies of the bible and philosophy in general, I've come to the conclusion that ultimately what God calls us to do is to love! (there's a lot to be said about this(God wanting us to love), it delves into many branches of things that would take too long to say here, I may discuss it later) Love, and acknowledge his existence. The existence of a higher being, an ultimate creator. Not the God through the lens of Christianity, but through what he really is: The ultimate creator, the merciful, the life giving, loving, unbiased, beautiful creator. The name is not important; Therefore God could indeed be Allah, Zeus, Buddah, and so on, so long as he represents who he really is: the Ultimate creator (with all his appropriate attributes mentioned) (This also implies that all "Religions" and Deity-centered philosophies are fundamentally correct, which of course branches off into a bunch of other things that will just add length so save for later I hope). I've derived a lot of my philosophy from fundamental Christian philosophy and from the Bible itself, as well as other's insights. With that said I do believe in the holy trinity: God(father), Jesus(son), and the Holy spirit. Bound together like a family, but separate parts. Jesus is NOT God (but was a real man who was literally the direct son of the Creator), and the holy spirit is NOT God, but ultimately PART of the ultimate creator God. Like I said: Bound closely like a family and in a way offspring of God tying them intimately.
    This implies that he procreated to cause their existence. This is where a lot of problems arrive in modern Christianity in many different hidden forms. But let me tell you the truth, God is either both genders or has no gender, I prefer the former. God is She, and God is He. The Mother of Jesus. The Father of all.
______________________

    Now to lightly delve into our ultimate purpose according to the Bible and the teachings of Jesus: To love.
I've talked to many people who have said they are comfortable with who they are and the way they live their life because they believe they have not wronged the world or God for she (I will interchange the gender of God at random) ultimately just wants us, as creations of God, to be happy and they are indeed happy. Now the bulk of these people were homosexual and furs, but that's not the point. I disregarded it a long time ago when I first heard this as their fault but have come to realize that they may be correct in a sense.
I knew that God was merciful, but it never clicked. He IS merciful, he is FORGIVING I realize.
    Whether one constantly sins is of no matter, since there is none who has not sinned, or live perfectly righteously or wise. Whether one person is less sinful than another is of no matter as well to God. She favors none and loves us all the same, but with one heaping powerful dose of love that I have not yet to comprehend myself. To put it simply God does not get all butt-hurt over every sin, he does not get all Emo and cut himself up in the clouds because he failed because we, as his prized creations, have wronged him or ignored him or sinned). He is perfectly understanding, and omniscient, the both together (Understanding and Knowledge) are the same as WISDOM. One with infinite wisdom has infinite patience, and therefore learns or naturally has infinite Love and compassion and empathy (read Proverbs, it talks a great deal about wisdom. It is my basis to this particular sentence).
   God doesn't see himself as above or better than us, just as the creator, the ultimate, the first, and therefore his creations (we) are, by nature, bound to look up to Her as a Mother, to Him as THE FATHER. He teaches though, to be forgiven one must forgive others that have wronged them, (furthermore, LEARN to forgive). To forgive, one must have empathy, must have understanding, one must Love. In order to acquire Heaven one must be clean (as well as, in essence, acknowledge God's existence and accept her gift (which I'm guessing is life, or eternal life)), sinless and since no human-being of creation (Except the direct descendant of the Creator) is currently living that lifestyle, no one is, by default, going to Heaven; However if they learn to Forgive (Love) and make a lifestyle of Forgiving (Loving) and knowing God, they, when the time comes, will be given eternity in Heaven.
    God has given us temporary life in order to learn how to do this. It is indeed difficult and requires a lifetime to master, this is life's purpose: To learn how to Love like God or Jesus. Loving is not JUST forgiving, but it is also the driving force and the easiest and most genuine means of following the teachings of Jesus. If one looks closely they will see that the teachings of Jesus and all the things God wants us to do revolve around LOVE! That's right!
______________________

Therefore, as a side point, one should not obsess or overly worry about following the teachings strictly since it is difficult at younger ages. One must give him/herself a chance to grow and learn from experience. In other words God is genuinely not putting pressure on us, as humans, to be perfect. That is not to say that one shouldn't fear God, for the fear of God brings wisdom! (This is a difficult thing to know what it means, but it isn't meant to portray God as a supreme power-lusting being); Furthermore one definitely should NOT be ashamed of oneself, for one's actions or lifestyles do not define who one is. The totality of a person is too complex to be defined so narrowly. And a true Christian or Jesus follower would learn to empathize and love the person as they are no matter their differences (in obvious reference to homosexuality, but it stretches further than that of course
______________________

Going back to Love being the center for the ability to carry out the teachings of Jesus: Ultimately what it comes down to is that God does not invite those impure, unloving souls, into Heaven. Think about it, it's HEAVEN! Would you want to live in peaceful eternity with someone who couldn't love others, even in the presence of THE Creator? That would just not be pleasant, it wouldn't be heaven. To put it differently, we are ALL children. To be able to sit at the "Adult's" table, we must learn our manners, and must learn how to interact with other adults responsibly and peacefully. If we can't learn how to be mature and responsible and how to interact fluidly with the adults, we're not fit to be at the adult's table, we'd be lost, bored, a hallow victory. Or another example, one goes into another's country. The other country has vastly different expectations and laws and how things work. If one doesn't learn the customs and laws and live like them while on his visit, he is not fit to live there and will soon learn his lesson (Example, Stealing in America = small offense, Stealing in, say, Iran, hand cut off! America: Gay = social scrutiny but no official offense, Nigeria: Gay = put to death [seriously])
     I also want to note that, even though God is infinitely forgiving, and one shouldn't feel too much pressure or dire shame in sinning, a truly Loving person would not maliciously take advantage of her forgiveness. That represents selfishness and unhealthy Hedonism. Both implying a disregard to others, which is the opposite of Love. Sincerely not to sound the ax bearer.
______________________

    So that's a tidbit of what I believe in, or at least fundamentally. Just remember (for those of you concerned with going to Heaven) that the path is narrow, and the gate not so wide, few will enter Heaven for good a sensible reasons. I do believe that hell is not really a PLACE deliberately created by the Mother of creation, rather the state of being deceased and not going anywhere, just death - dead. Whether one's soul is consciously aware of this state is another question; But I do know, er believe, that Heaven is clearly he preferred place to spend eternity, for as it is written: Heaven represents eternal life and Hell represents death-no life. In other words I really don't think Hell is all that terrible. Satan's hell and punishment is another story probably, but as for our hell, our death, I have my doubts about our physical bodies (or souls being able to perceive physical sensations) being cast into a lake of fire and burning and being tortured for infinity, I mean that's unnecessarily cruel. I think it is just dramatized by Christians and if one looks closely and maybe looks at the original texts, it would clearly point out that Hell = death, or no life, that's it. It's like "Massage, or no massage?" I mean choosing not to get a massage doesn't necessarily mean that the person will spend the rest of his/her time reveling in painful muscle aches all of their days. The same applies with God's gift, if you refuse it, you miss out; At least you're not Satan, or the Antichrist (highly unlikely). But more than likely, you're life will be better spent, and happier, if you choose to accept and live by God rather than going off on your own. But of course God gave us a choice, and I would still Love one who hasn't accepted the gift.
______________________
    I seriously feel like I've figured out the secrets of the universe (even though I definitely haven't) and God is happy with me =)
I feel as if I've FINALLY figured out what God wants of me, I feel like I've found the genuine and definite truth of life. No more searching, no more chasing, no more confusion, just living and learning.

I will work to make Cuts so it's easier to read and browse through.

Sincerely and with Love,
    -Bene

You'll never know what I have a very large of ;)

2008-09-12T03:40:54Z

MUSICAL INTERESTS!!!

<_< ? What did you think I was referring to?

weirdo ...

ANYWAYS :p

SO I've added (officially as apposed to unofficially. I also have an unofficial list ...) Industrial metal / Industrial, Industrial Electro / Dark Electro, and I guess now I can now officially add underground / Indie / Obscure / Alternative whatever the hell you wanna call it even though I've always liked and listened to obscure stuff.

Before that, my other most recent add(s) before this was actually Electro, and all that electronic craze music, hardstyle (still in the techno / electronic music department) and all that.

(supposed edit >_>) I think I forgot to mention that this list is a list of genres of music I've come to officially enjoy rather than just 'Listen to'. So now I can bring it up in a conversation as a type of music I enjoy regularly! 8D

Think of the potential interesting people I can meet that share the same musical interests! Woot Cyber Punk and Industrialites (My own invention) =D

I has good news!

2008-08-22T00:36:22Z

But I will not announce it. No it isn't a new mate. However I refuse to announce it, bc I realize that whenever I say something outloud to someone it actually backfires. Iguess you can say it "Curses" it or "Jinxes" it. It hardly ever fails and I really want to keepthis good news. But know that I am doing quite well.

In other news mah friends are coming over in a few minutes and i'm listening to music. happy about that. School is good so far.

so yes i'll soon post again maybe. Depends.

Hope everyone is doing swell

With Love & Sincerity,
Bene

Damingo! What's Your Status?

2008-07-08T07:39:55Z

That's some line from Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six something or other. I always thought that was funny, I hear it ALL the time on that game. It's actually kind of stupid since the peeps don't actually talk back. That must piss the guy on the other end off so much though.

ANYWHO

What's been up recently? Well Richard, me gut buddy, is here spending the night and currently is reading my dream journal log thing. It's inevitable though: He will read about the ugly clam guy who no one liked getting caught masturbating apparently "illegally" in the bathroom of a house-boat and being kicked off. I had to write that one down, it was so frikkan strange!! In fact I tihnk he's reading that one right now!! XD.WITHOUT getting too emo here I would also like to say that my group of best friends are planning a week or two trip to Vancouver, Canada but I won't be going, making me a VERY sad and left out panda, like badly. It's just too last-minute and it conflicts with many things. At least i'll be in New Mexico with my Aunt Valerie, who is awesome! ANNNNND that's about it, except for the random thought that I think the girl at Rite Aid likes me, or in the least, thinks i'm interesting. I think i've said that before, maybe maybe not, oh well. AS well as that, I got so close to telling her how I feel (not the same girl @ Rite Aid) but it just wasn't right t'day, hopefully tomorrow though if I see her, which Is likely :)

other than that, I must say that I am tired! But I have no idea when i'm going to sleep. So goodnight!

Love, Bene.

P.S. - Random Philosophization (from yesterday actually, and yes I know that word doesn't really make grammatical sense): When writing a story, or anything really, don't expect it to be perfect. No matter how much you strive for perfection, just remember that it will come with practice and of course, will. So stop pressuring yourself and just do it for fun until you can call serious works perfect!! (a message to myself) - I should creat a seperate journal for my philosophizations, or to write down and perfect my philosophy(s) that I so want to write down. I haven't yet, but maybe I will. I don't know.